As I brushed the snow off my car and slid into the seat, I felt not only the comfort of a warm interior but the music that was playing on my radio. I tuned in a smooth jazz station on my XM and heard the sounds of 3rd Force, titled “You Gotta Be Real.” Now most tunes on that station called Water Colors have no lyrics. This is probably one of the appeals of smooth jazz to me because it helps me collect my thoughts. Today, my thoughts simply centered on the title. It’s a good message for me to think about this morning. I really admire people who are totally comfortable with whom they are. They are often called down to earth or authentic. I wish I were more like them.
I know it’s a pretty tough admission but I have not been as real as I could be and that bothers me. What I ended up asking myself though, was why have I come up short in this critical area? I’ve come to conclude it’s because I have always had this insecure need to be liked by everyone. If someone dislikes me I get frustrated with myself thinking why does his or her opinion of my worth matter so much to me?
I know as a minister, a strong desire to be well thought of can be a serious liability at certain points. I know this from first hand experience having been through a building expansion project recently. I know it’s not all bad, though, because a pastor who wants to be liked tends to work real hard on relationships and will often be known as a person who really cares for people. I even adopted the principle I’ve heard about leadership, as a core value: “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”
That being said, I wonder at 44 if I’m any closer to my true self than at any point in my life as I am today. Will dying out to a need for everyone’s approval bring me closer to the genuine person I’m suppose to be? I guess I fear that to make this sacrifice will free me to become some one I don’t like. Will I become less relational, a little harsher, and less tender? Ultimately what will it cost me to be more real? And what will a greater commitment to authenticity look like when I stand in front of a mirror?
Those are pretty high stakes questions to answer! I want to be real. When I’m not, I don’t like it. Midlife. These are strange years to live. Yet how tragic it is that some people ignore these questions and carry on with life, as in the first half of life, unwilling to make adjustments in the locker room to face the second half. I not only gotta be real, I wanna be real. Right now I’m asking hard questions in hopes of getting answers. I’m counting costs and pitting them against reward. My inner life is under reconstruction. Hopefully, the finished product will turn out better than the interior has been the first 44 years.
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